I'm not exactly sure what I am suppose to be feeling, but this whole thing feels reminiscent of a toothache. At first the white hot knife stab that leaves you breathless and immobile, but now that the shock is gone it is more like the dull ache that is in the back of your mind and somehow tints the images you see and the way you see them. The one that keeps you up at night and prevents you from running your day-to-day life the way you use to.
I feel...distracted. Like I can't fix on any one idea, or devote myself fully to any single task. Even writing these few sentences has taken me almost twenty minutes.
People ask me if I am alright, and part of me wants to cry and laugh and say "of course I'm not alright! What a stupid question." but part of me feels numb and empty and part of me wants someone else to wrap their arms around me and tell me that I will be alright so I don't have to think about that answer myself.
Mostly though, I just feel...distracted. Distracted and numb mixed with a little bit hurt and guilt, a dash of pain and a pinch of disbelief and lots and lots of confusion. Kind of like a toothache. It just won't let me relax.
I am not alright, I am not myself, but I am not un-alright either. I just am. My soul feels sluggish. My body can take me through the motions and get me where I need to be, but I feel like I am removed and somehow not a part of any of it.
I had a terrible toothache once last year. I use to cry at night it hurt so bad and I couldn't eat hard foods or drink cold liquids, and I saw two dentists and no one knew what was wrong. It was terrible, but there was nothing I could do about it and eventually the pain just seeped away as slowly as it came. Maybe that is what will happen here too. Ever so slowly, the Novocaine will wear off and I will wake up and pay attention and be alright again. Until then, I just am.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Quirky Confessions
1- People think I love to run. This is a lie--I LOVE to eat, and I find that if I run on a fairly regular basis I am able to eat to my heart's content without guilt or feeling disgusting
2- I talk to myself in Korean so no one will know the craziness that goes on inside my head
3- I can't cook. It's a disgraceful thing, but there it is. The poor schmuck who gets stuck with me will have to put up with a year or so of burnt dinner-attempts.
4- When we were kids my sister and I always had imaginary boyfriends/superhero-partners. Hers was named Justin and mine was named Joshua. My sister married a Justin, and now whenever I meet a Joshua I like him a little bit just because of his name.
5- Although my dish-doing skills are almost legendary, I have an aversion to sweeping and vacuuming.
6- I hide chocolates in my underwear drawer, and I eat them too (the chocolates, not my underwear)
7- I only shower every-other day unless I've gone for a good sweaty run, otherwise my hair turns into an even bigger frizzy mess than usual
8- I like to watch Ella Enchanted and She's the Man when I'm sick or especially lonely
9- I try hard to be brave and I am truly happy and rarely down, but truth be told I am terrified of being single forever and sometimes I lose sleep over it.
10- I have songs from Korean boy bands in my playlist.
2- I talk to myself in Korean so no one will know the craziness that goes on inside my head
3- I can't cook. It's a disgraceful thing, but there it is. The poor schmuck who gets stuck with me will have to put up with a year or so of burnt dinner-attempts.
4- When we were kids my sister and I always had imaginary boyfriends/superhero-partners. Hers was named Justin and mine was named Joshua. My sister married a Justin, and now whenever I meet a Joshua I like him a little bit just because of his name.
5- Although my dish-doing skills are almost legendary, I have an aversion to sweeping and vacuuming.
6- I hide chocolates in my underwear drawer, and I eat them too (the chocolates, not my underwear)
7- I only shower every-other day unless I've gone for a good sweaty run, otherwise my hair turns into an even bigger frizzy mess than usual
8- I like to watch Ella Enchanted and She's the Man when I'm sick or especially lonely
9- I try hard to be brave and I am truly happy and rarely down, but truth be told I am terrified of being single forever and sometimes I lose sleep over it.
10- I have songs from Korean boy bands in my playlist.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Grateful
It’s Thanksgiving again! I love that it comes every year. This year I was lucky enough to go to Mexico with the relatives on my dad’s side. We had a wonderful relaxing, enjoyable time. I have a lot to be thankful this year, but here is a brief list of my top favorites in no particular order.
1. The atonement of Jesus Christ
2. Music
3. My internship—it has been fun, exciting, educational, and the people have been wonderful to me
4. My higher educational opportunities
5. My testimony of the gospel
6. The Book of Mormon
7. My parents. I lucked out majorly there
8. My siblings—some of the best people I know
9. Not being a vegetarian. Yay for delicious meat!
10. Living in America—I love it here
11. My BYU BS degree (bwahaha it’s so fun to have a degree called BS. I majored in BS haha)
12. Being able to play the piano
13. My guitar
14. Being a baptized member of the church
15. Colors. Think how boring the world would be in black and white!
16. My grandparents (both sides)—they took such good care of me
17. Being from Texas—it is the best place on the planet
18. My car that has done such a good job of taking me all over the country when I needed her to
19. Texas—our adorable dog
20. My computer that makes life so much easier
21. Dark chocolate
22. Raisins
23. Dark chocolate covered raisins
24. Chocolate chip cookies when they are warm and gooey
25. Automatic washers and dryers
26. Institute—lots of good memories there
27. My amazing Spokane friends who I still miss
28. Living in the MASH house—what fun we had!
29. My mission
30. Shrimp cocktails
31. Having enough to eat
32. Running races for fun
33. Christmas time
34. A break and a chance to go home for the holidays
35. The Spirit that guides my life
36. Prayer
37. The temple
38. Curly hair that is so easy to fix and take care of
39. My aunts and uncles and cousins that I finally have a chance to get to know better
40. A knowledge of the plan of salvation
41. My patriarchal blessing
42. Hot chocolate in the cold Washington winter
43. Big Texas style rainstorms
44. Dogs (but not cats—sorry for my ingratitude)
45. Piano lessons that my parents practically forced me to take
46. Good books
47. Time to read good books (or at least listen to them as audiobooks)
48. Technology to listen to and make audiobooks
49. Earrings—I feel so much more feminine wwith them on
50. Eternal families
51. The New Testament
52. The Old Testament
53. The Doctrine and Covenants
54. The Pearl of Great Price
55. The living prophet
56. The priesthood restored again to the Earth
57. Living in a place that is warm for the winter with no ice on the road
58. French toast—my favorite artery-clogging breakfast
59. Good eyesight so I don’t have to worry about glasses or contacts
60. Sunshine
61. Professors who have helped me get through grad school so far
62. Friends who are helping me find a place to live
63. The internet. What did we ever do without it?
64. Being in a profession that I love (am I allowed to say profession when I’m still in school?)
65. Genealogy chuck full of amazing people who I hope will be satisfied with the way I keep their name
66. Tulips. My favorite flower ever
67. Fuzzy socks
68. The covenants I have been blessed to make with baptism and in the temple
69. Comfortable beds—I do so much better with a good night sleep
70. Animals—they are pretty fun
71. Zoos full of fun animals
72. My body that is able to take care of me
73. Laughter
74. Smiling
75. Moltrin. What did people do before they had moltrin?
76. Mascara cause otherwise I would look like a boy
77. Fish—somehow having something small and insignificant that depends on me for survival makes my life seem so much less pathetic
78. Chick flicks
79. Living in a time and place where women can get an education
80. My amazing life! I am so very blessed!
Yay for holidays. I hope everyone had a holiday almost as good as mine :) I really have so much to be grateful for.
1. The atonement of Jesus Christ
2. Music
3. My internship—it has been fun, exciting, educational, and the people have been wonderful to me
4. My higher educational opportunities
5. My testimony of the gospel
6. The Book of Mormon
7. My parents. I lucked out majorly there
8. My siblings—some of the best people I know
9. Not being a vegetarian. Yay for delicious meat!
10. Living in America—I love it here
11. My BYU BS degree (bwahaha it’s so fun to have a degree called BS. I majored in BS haha)
12. Being able to play the piano
13. My guitar
14. Being a baptized member of the church
15. Colors. Think how boring the world would be in black and white!
16. My grandparents (both sides)—they took such good care of me
17. Being from Texas—it is the best place on the planet
18. My car that has done such a good job of taking me all over the country when I needed her to
19. Texas—our adorable dog
20. My computer that makes life so much easier
21. Dark chocolate
22. Raisins
23. Dark chocolate covered raisins
24. Chocolate chip cookies when they are warm and gooey
25. Automatic washers and dryers
26. Institute—lots of good memories there
27. My amazing Spokane friends who I still miss
28. Living in the MASH house—what fun we had!
29. My mission
30. Shrimp cocktails
31. Having enough to eat
32. Running races for fun
33. Christmas time
34. A break and a chance to go home for the holidays
35. The Spirit that guides my life
36. Prayer
37. The temple
38. Curly hair that is so easy to fix and take care of
39. My aunts and uncles and cousins that I finally have a chance to get to know better
40. A knowledge of the plan of salvation
41. My patriarchal blessing
42. Hot chocolate in the cold Washington winter
43. Big Texas style rainstorms
44. Dogs (but not cats—sorry for my ingratitude)
45. Piano lessons that my parents practically forced me to take
46. Good books
47. Time to read good books (or at least listen to them as audiobooks)
48. Technology to listen to and make audiobooks
49. Earrings—I feel so much more feminine wwith them on
50. Eternal families
51. The New Testament
52. The Old Testament
53. The Doctrine and Covenants
54. The Pearl of Great Price
55. The living prophet
56. The priesthood restored again to the Earth
57. Living in a place that is warm for the winter with no ice on the road
58. French toast—my favorite artery-clogging breakfast
59. Good eyesight so I don’t have to worry about glasses or contacts
60. Sunshine
61. Professors who have helped me get through grad school so far
62. Friends who are helping me find a place to live
63. The internet. What did we ever do without it?
64. Being in a profession that I love (am I allowed to say profession when I’m still in school?)
65. Genealogy chuck full of amazing people who I hope will be satisfied with the way I keep their name
66. Tulips. My favorite flower ever
67. Fuzzy socks
68. The covenants I have been blessed to make with baptism and in the temple
69. Comfortable beds—I do so much better with a good night sleep
70. Animals—they are pretty fun
71. Zoos full of fun animals
72. My body that is able to take care of me
73. Laughter
74. Smiling
75. Moltrin. What did people do before they had moltrin?
76. Mascara cause otherwise I would look like a boy
77. Fish—somehow having something small and insignificant that depends on me for survival makes my life seem so much less pathetic
78. Chick flicks
79. Living in a time and place where women can get an education
80. My amazing life! I am so very blessed!
Yay for holidays. I hope everyone had a holiday almost as good as mine :) I really have so much to be grateful for.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Because sometimes life turns into a big happy mess
So this one is cheesy and the rhymes are fair at best, but I wrote it between talks at stake conference last week because my life is wonderful but nothing at all like I planned. Bwahaha.
The Gardener
A current bush--a simple plant
but oh the tale it tells
of when with love the gardener
inflicted great travail.
For through the sun and wind and rain
the bush with all its might
had through exhaustive energy
improved both breadth and height.
The bush, once meek and unnoticed
became a sight to see.
For all who saw admired
the aspiring current-tree.
The bush-tree grew to balking size
its trunk was stout and strong,
its leaves were round and plentiful,
its branches thick and long.
The bush's height was impressive,
its width expansive too.
Never mind that the current berries
grew bitter, dwarfed, and few.
Until one hard defining day
--the day the gardener came--
the bush was pruned and slashed and cut
leaving sticks and twigs and shame.
And then, in prickly pining pleas,
with sticky sappy sighs,
the bush implored the gardener
in crinkled craggy cries;
"How could you do this to me now?
this isn't what I planned!
I did not put my effort forth
to be cut down at your hand.
I believed you loved me.
You promised me your aid.
And you've always been so generous
with water, food and shade--
I've worked so hard to grow and bloom
I long to be a tree"
the gardener said in quiet tones,
"You should not counsel me.
I am the gardener here," he said,
"I bought you at great cost.
My dream for you is greater still
than the one you say you've lost.
I know its hard to understand
I know you may not see,
but my vision for you is greater far
than any meager tree."
So when you feel cut down and beat,
and life gets out of hand--
remember, He's the Gardener
and He has greatness planned.
The Gardener
A current bush--a simple plant
but oh the tale it tells
of when with love the gardener
inflicted great travail.
For through the sun and wind and rain
the bush with all its might
had through exhaustive energy
improved both breadth and height.
The bush, once meek and unnoticed
became a sight to see.
For all who saw admired
the aspiring current-tree.
The bush-tree grew to balking size
its trunk was stout and strong,
its leaves were round and plentiful,
its branches thick and long.
The bush's height was impressive,
its width expansive too.
Never mind that the current berries
grew bitter, dwarfed, and few.
Until one hard defining day
--the day the gardener came--
the bush was pruned and slashed and cut
leaving sticks and twigs and shame.
And then, in prickly pining pleas,
with sticky sappy sighs,
the bush implored the gardener
in crinkled craggy cries;
"How could you do this to me now?
this isn't what I planned!
I did not put my effort forth
to be cut down at your hand.
I believed you loved me.
You promised me your aid.
And you've always been so generous
with water, food and shade--
I've worked so hard to grow and bloom
I long to be a tree"
the gardener said in quiet tones,
"You should not counsel me.
I am the gardener here," he said,
"I bought you at great cost.
My dream for you is greater still
than the one you say you've lost.
I know its hard to understand
I know you may not see,
but my vision for you is greater far
than any meager tree."
So when you feel cut down and beat,
and life gets out of hand--
remember, He's the Gardener
and He has greatness planned.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Chapters
What exactly do we mean when we say "chapters of our lives"? I was told recently that the Spokane "chapter" of my life is now over and it's time to move on to the Arizona "chapter". Eventually, barring the possibility of failure and death, the schooling "chapter" will wrap up as well leading me into what some call the "career chapter".
What does that mean, though? What exactly are they talking about? I find the idea of closing and opening sections of my life as easily as you might close and open sections of a book ignorant at best and insulting if I'm feeling grumpy or hormonal. Rather than stay obediently in strictly defined parameters each supposed bite-sized chunk of life oozes and spits to muddle the previous ones and color the upcoming ones to the point that the whole thing resembles a watercolor illustration left out in the rain than a carefully compartmentalized book with sections.
How, for example, can I be beginning my "Arizona chapter" when I lived here for all of my pre-teen years? How can I hope to open a brand new chapter when every time I pass the exit for Val Vista Drive I see the ugly stucco house with 2 and a half levels where two of my sisters were born and where I use to practice the piano at 5 am on school days? Or an even better question is how do I neatly close the "Washington chapter" when so much of who I am is a direct result of what I learned there and the individuals I met and interacted with and the effect their friendship had on me? How would shutting that section even be helpful when I spend so much time sneaking backwards to re-read my favorite parts of that chapter, to remind myself what I did right and warn myself of the mistakes I made so I don't make them again. Does looking forward mean I need to turn my gaze eternally from the direction I came from? Never before have I felt so much sympathy for Lot's wife and her brackish demise.
I think a better metaphor for my life would be to call each section a movement in a symphony. My life, after all, is composed by the greatest Master there is, even if my ability to play the suggested notes leaves me dreadfully dissonant at times. All the same, I think at least for me the way things actually work is not so much a chapter that closes up nicely to prepare for the next adventure but a confusing but exciting set of melodies and rhythms that pop up again and again in each section of varying length, tempo, and style. Each section builds on the last creating a complicated cohesiveness with indistinct overtones of familiarity and promise for the future. The Spokane movement may have met its double bar line, but the chords and cadences created therein were too beautiful to disappear forever and are sure to be found interwoven in the next melody created for Arizona--one that is already riddled with echos and phrases I remember from my childhood. I am excited to see how the harmonies weave together this time.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Rejuvenated
I don't usually do churchy posts, but this one kinda busted out of me. Plus I think all two people who might possibly read this are pro-church anyway. : ) Either way, you will get no apology from me. I speak the truth and it makes me happy. That's it.
I love the gospel! I have a tradition of reading the Book of Mormon every summer and I finished it yesterday. What an amazing message of hope in the face of tragedy that is. We learn from the Brother of Jared and his barges that no matter what, God won’t leave us to Saten if we are doing our best. Abinidi, Amulek, and 3rd Nephi show that no matter what the world does to us, Christ will stay beside us (to the bitter end if needs be) as long as we allow Him to do so. King Benjamin teaches us that love and obedience really are the most important investments we can make with our time. Moroni is proof that no matter how lonely we feel, there is one who will not leave us to ourselves. Both Almas teach that no matter how far we think we have fallen, there is always one who thinks we are worth the work to retrieve us. What peace that is! What an amazing message! This time that seems to us so long is but a passing dream to Him—one that we were eager to take on even knowing the risks, because we knew it would be worth it. We can do this! He will make the impossible possible if we do what we can, no matter how small that offering may be. His word truly is living water! His message is a fresh breeze on a hot stuffy day. Truly, sweet is the peace the gospel brings!
I love the gospel! I have a tradition of reading the Book of Mormon every summer and I finished it yesterday. What an amazing message of hope in the face of tragedy that is. We learn from the Brother of Jared and his barges that no matter what, God won’t leave us to Saten if we are doing our best. Abinidi, Amulek, and 3rd Nephi show that no matter what the world does to us, Christ will stay beside us (to the bitter end if needs be) as long as we allow Him to do so. King Benjamin teaches us that love and obedience really are the most important investments we can make with our time. Moroni is proof that no matter how lonely we feel, there is one who will not leave us to ourselves. Both Almas teach that no matter how far we think we have fallen, there is always one who thinks we are worth the work to retrieve us. What peace that is! What an amazing message! This time that seems to us so long is but a passing dream to Him—one that we were eager to take on even knowing the risks, because we knew it would be worth it. We can do this! He will make the impossible possible if we do what we can, no matter how small that offering may be. His word truly is living water! His message is a fresh breeze on a hot stuffy day. Truly, sweet is the peace the gospel brings!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Hormones
I am sorry to write one of these, but I feel like both genders should be warned about the evil inside of almost every female. Granted, for the most part these are annoying signals we can override when we are well fed and happy, but if we are overly stressed, especially sleep-deprived, in an unstable physical or emotional state, or otherwise off-kilter or skawampus in any way suppressing the internal messages yelling “Be Crazy! Be Craaazzzyyy!!!” once each month becomes more difficult to ignore than it should be. Please don’t misunderstand—I am excessively annoyed by myself and anyone who tries to blame lingering grumpiness, inconsideration, or persistent griping on their estrogen cycle. All I mean is that occasionally, I am reminded that I am indeed a female with unfortunate mood swings that, in humiliating moments of weakness, hijack my better judgment.
Today for example, I’m not even sure what set me off. I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a well-prepared lesson and all of the sudden I found myself hunched against a wall in the excruciating Texas heat crying all my makeup off. After about four noisy minutes of soggy saltiness I shook myself off, stood up, and walked back into the building, my moment of insanity over almost as soon as it had come. Weird. Sometimes being a girl definitely has its drawbacks.
Pulling away from the havoc my endocrine system wracks on my self-control, life is wonderful. I passed my test! I am almost ready to start out on my internships and prepare to enter the real world. Being home is amazing—my sisters are my best friends ever (which is lucky cause hopefully I get to keep them forever) and my parents are as supportive and wonderful as they always have been. As always, there are moments of unexpected disquietude but in general being home is as wonderful as I dreamt it would be, and between you and me my imagination is colorful enough to make that quite a feat indeed.
Today for example, I’m not even sure what set me off. I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a well-prepared lesson and all of the sudden I found myself hunched against a wall in the excruciating Texas heat crying all my makeup off. After about four noisy minutes of soggy saltiness I shook myself off, stood up, and walked back into the building, my moment of insanity over almost as soon as it had come. Weird. Sometimes being a girl definitely has its drawbacks.
Pulling away from the havoc my endocrine system wracks on my self-control, life is wonderful. I passed my test! I am almost ready to start out on my internships and prepare to enter the real world. Being home is amazing—my sisters are my best friends ever (which is lucky cause hopefully I get to keep them forever) and my parents are as supportive and wonderful as they always have been. As always, there are moments of unexpected disquietude but in general being home is as wonderful as I dreamt it would be, and between you and me my imagination is colorful enough to make that quite a feat indeed.
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