Well, it's that time of year again. It is a fun time to be an American. A bit economically challenging, but still fun. Last year's Thanksgiving was fun but a little unconventional. This year was different than I've ever experienced before but it was definately wonderful. I drove down to Boise--an eightish hour trip, if you were wondering, and spent time with my Uncle Scott and Aunt Debbie and their two kids Tucker (age 7) and Scottlyn (age 5). It was so very fun. There is something about being unconditionally adored that you can't get over the age of 10. Their kids are sharp too. Tucker can read anything and even Scottlyn can read pretty well. Both are musical and bright, friendly, and generally get along qutie well. I thouroughly enjoyed myself. I especially enjoyed getting to know Aunt Debbie a little better. They have always lived kind of far away from us in Iowa or Idaho and so besides brief trips I haven't really been able to get to know them. She is an amazing woman, though. Most of the women in my family got married pretty early, so it is nice to talk to someone who did the single scene for a while. She is fun, independent, and happy and she was still able to get quite a catch in my uncle, if I do say so myself. The dinner was very good and they even sent me home with leftovers of my favorite dish--a green bean casserole--that she was kind enough to make for me. All in all, it was a dazzling sucess.



Here is my list this year, again no particular order:

1- My testimony of the restored gospel and the peace and joy it brings to my life
2- the Book of Mormon and the peace I feel when I read it (at least the English copy--the Korean one brings a bit of frustration)
3- my amazing and absolutely wonderful parents--for the way they raised me and the sacrifices they made for me
4- raisenettes--my newly discovered favorite treat
5- getting into EWU's PT program, so far it has been a blast
6- the happiness and joy I feel almost all the time--gifts from God
7- my ward and the lessons I've learned here
8- friends. I've never really had a lot of friends or been able to make them easily but here it is a lot easier.
9- my siblings. Heather, Trevor, Sarah, Paige, and Toria. I can't imagine a much better group of kids to grow up with.
10- the gift I have been blessed with for studying--it actually is something I really enjoy doing especially here in PT school
11- The human body and how astounding it is. God really did an amazing job on that one.
12- Always having enough to get by and not starve and a little extra for fun
13- I went to Korea on my mission. How amazing is that?
14- God is in charge of my life. His plan for me is so much better than mine
15- The piano
16- The guitar
17- my bachelor's degree
18- my early education in high school--it was hard but so worth it
19- chocolate--if it's not in heaven I might not stay ; )
20- fun smelling bath soap
21- a knowledge of my self worth no matter what I look like or how many people like me or if I ever date anyone
22- my feelings of security and independence that allow me to be single without being unhappy
23- an army of people who helped me to be who I am--teachers, leaders, friends, etc.
24- coats. It's cold in Washington
25- Texas
26- my car. She is so conveinent!
27- my health
28- my cute little red and tan room
29- sports with my dad
30- exciting weekends
31- technology that allows me to keep in touch with my family who is thousands of miles away
32- my plane ticket home for Christmas!
33- hot chocolate
34- chocolate chocolate chip cookies--my favorite!
35- writing. It's a good way to let out nasty emotions.
36- institute. What a cool uplifting expeirence in the middle of the week
37- my class. I couldn't have picked a cooler group of people to do this whole grad school thing with
38- my computer
39- sunshine
40- the power of prayer
41- the power of optimism
42- the ability to be alone and not feel lonely
43- the ability to speak and understand some Korean. Not many Americans can say that.
44- my George Washington State University sweatshirt--so so so comforatable!
45- Trevor being on a mission
46- my acne clearing up
47- my highlihgts. I think they are so fun.
48- my electric blanket- what a perfect way to fall asleep.
49- a living prophet
50- the ability to recieve revelation of where I should be going in life and what I should be doing.

Well, there it is. I'm sure it's not a complete list or anything, but I guess it works for me. I really truly have so very much to be grateful for. I feel so happy all the time--it almost makes being grumpy and irratable enjoyable because I know soon I will be out of it and that it is so very bright on the other side. : ) Really, though, it is nice to know that no matter how complicated life gets (and trust me, being single at 24 can make life pretty dang complicated around finals week), I will always be able to choose happiness--aided by the fact that my life is so full of things to be thankful for.

Poetic

For the first time in years I was feeling strangely poetic last night. So while I should have been studying the physiological vascular response to wound regeneration I jotted this little ditty down. Poetry always sounds more intense than the situation really is, but at the time I felt like I really captured my feelings here. Weird but very true. I wish I was a better writer, but I kind of like this one. The mood has to be right, I guess and it felt pretty right last night.

Flinch


I flinch when you touch me—
your desire poking through transparent fingers
gently encircling mine, urging them to wake
to respond
to reciprocate.
My fingers flinch as longing overloads the tendons
to respond
to reciprocate
to flinch away.

The vapor blocks my vision—
the spark in your eyes burns away my reason
so near the fringe there is no space to move
closer to you
to companionship.
My senses blocked by too too many needs.
to be closer to you
for companionship
to maintain control.

Your pain attacks my resolve—
your silent hesitation suffocates it with connotation
it chokes on my words that fight to evoke attraction
attachment
commitment.
Desire and conflict tear at logic’s impossible demands
attachment
commitment
isolation.


I flinch when you touch her—
her charming timidity angers and sustains me
broiling concoctionous consort of necessity
your happiness
your freedom
leaves me alone to flinch at the lingering landscape
your happiness
your freedom
my loss.

I flinch away.

It's Cold Again

At the risk of repetition I am going to post my first complaint of the year about the cold and try and attach some mystic slightly poetic highly pathetic meaning to it again. Consider yourself warned.

Washington cold is different than Utah cold. It's not as dry, for one thing, which is nice. I mean my skin still dries out and my lips are still chapped a bit but they don't seem to crack and peel as much, which is always nice for a student budget cause that means you don't need lotion. Still though, it's cold. Everyone laughs when I say that and say it's just starting and going to be so much worse and I'm never going to make it--a sentiment I rather resent as I've never quit anything I've been determined to succeed at. Still, I can honestly say I feel cold here. Maybe part of it is living in the basement too. Not that I don't love my little room--I do, I just am not quite use to the temperature of life here.

I've decided that this temperature--just barely above frozen--is an apt description of myself in a lot of ways. Kind of like the ice right after the Zamboni driver gets done. It is glassy and smooth and welcoming but hard to crack and even harder to penetrate. You can see exactly who I am--I don't try to disguise what I'm really like or put up false pretenses but at the same time I don't let others in easily--not really. I am happy to get to know people and form friendships but I avoid allowing myself to be emotionally vunerable at almost all costs. I wonder why that is sometimes. My family has always been extremely supportive, I have always had good friends, no tramatic events, only one breakup that I thought went over rather smoothly, no huge dissapointments, no drastic failed attempts at anything. I have no idea why I am so protective of myself and insistant to avoid emotional events at all costs, but there you are. I am. Just like the weather here--cold and stoic but still crisp and perfectly upfront at the same time. Bundled and covered up it isn't a problem. It's only when you let your guard down that the cold really bothers you. The rest of the time it's almost tolerable. Just keep your guard up. Don't let anything in.

Also, I learned you have to be careful what you ask for. Again. Why is it that I seem to always need the same cosmic lessons over and over again? You would think I would get the hint and start on some new mistakes, but alas, this is not so. So I say again--make sure what you think you want is really what you want before you think you want it. Otherwise you just might get it and realize how much happier you were before. Of course, I suppose it is that way always. Even things you really do want often seem to have at least some negative consequences when you finally get them. The new haircut may be easier to fix but now all those styles you're use to don't work and you have to start over again. Being newly weds is amazing but it's still hard to get use to his socks all over the place. The appartment is perfect--everything you ever wanted, except for the extra seventy bucks a month. Washington is fun and beautiful and the school is great but the weather is stinking freezing! You get the idea.

Anywho. It's cold. I guess that means I get to bundle up in my favorite sweatshirt ever--an oversized George Washington University one I recieved at a sweatshirt exchange that I never take home for fear my mom will sneakily throw it out in an effort to cutify my wardrobe. I wear it probably every day. Gross? Maybe but I only wear it when I'm sitting in my room alone doing homework, so I'm the only one around to smell me. This is a lovely way for me to get warmth when I know I want it and I don't even mind the smelly consequences. Good. Maybe I'm learning something after all.