I hate hating... and lots of other things

Feelings suck. I am a creature of logic and decisions—a scientist who thrives on facts, reason, and consistency. Emotion, by its very nature, is opposite of everything I function best on. Unstable, unpredictable, frustrating, and volatile—emotion is something I can’t control, and therefore it is something that frightens me. I think my biggest complaint with feelings and emotion is that they complicate decisions after I have carefully made them. Decisions are something I take very seriously, I make them after lots of thought, time, and preparation and I almost never go back on a decision after I finally make it. Emotions, on the other hand, jump in and try to bamboozle every logical thought I can come up with. It is extremely frustrating.

Fear, for example, usually results in one of two reactions—either I go into a frenzy of uncontrolled activity or I am virtually paralyzed into inactivity even when my path is set before me. It tangles my thoughts and blows up any challenges until that is all I can see. Fear is not something I can control. I know logically that fear is a vice—a burden even; but still I can’t seem to dump it when it enters my head. Like a parasite, it eats away at my determination and composure while tainting the world around me into something I cannot face with poise. I am a happy kid, but I am scared to death of a year of internships. I think it’s the huge unknown and the idea of leaving everyone and everything I have come to love about Spokane behind forever. This smallish fear soon mushrooms into something I don’t know how to handle. It opens an endless pit of what-ifs and why-nots and by the end I am a homeless old maid of eighty seven with no friends, no skills, and an unexplained fungal infection all over my left cheekbone. Bottom line—I hate being afraid.

Fear, however, isn’t the only emotion that drives me crazy, though I think it is certainly one of the worst. Guilt is another one that drives me a more than a little bit batty. Guilt is admittedly a good motivator, but it is also a festering acid that distorts my own view of myself. I think the worst part of guilt is that I sometimes have a nasty habit of imposing its cankerous presence without appropriate stimulus. I invite guilt when I haven’t done anything wrong which is stupid (yet another emotion I am far too familiar and disgusted with). This is especially true when others are involved. Even if I do my best to do everything logically and in the best way I know how I find myself full of guilt when those I care about are hurt, whether or not it is my fault. Again, I can often recognize that guilt is yet another unnecessary, unhelpful, and unwanted emotion, but I am yet to master the art of purging said emotion from my system. I can distract myself with music, scriptures, or homework, but guilt ekes back in like a toxin until I find some way to deal with it. Again, some guilt is both necessary and essential in helping me to be more of the person I hope to be someday, but all the same, I wish it was an emotion I can control and harness better to work for me instead of against me so stinking often.

Unfortunately, the list doesn’t end with fear and guilt. Sadness, homesickness, anger, frustration, inadequacy, and exhaustion are all emotions that get in my way and try to warble my reason. If I am being completely honest with myself I am a little nervous about attraction as well. Attraction, it may be argued, is not actually an emotion, but it is certainly a nasty force that usurps control in my otherwise carefully controlled mental system. Excitement and anxiety too, can alter my thought process, causing me to make decisions like writing on my blog instead of studying for my test or playing the piano like I had scheduled to do. Haha and that makes me feel shame—yet another abhorrent emotion.

I guess my point is that while I know logically emotions are a wonderful necessary part of the human experience, they are also annoying and I wish I had better control over them.

Independence Day!

Wow. What an amazing country we live in! I know I take for granted the huge blessings in my life, so it is nice every now and then to sit down and contemplate just how blessed I am. I, a woman with no outstanding talent or aptitude, am allowed to be educated, trained, and then practice in the field of my choice. I am able to live where I want, move when I want, dress how I want, and vote as I see fit. Best of all, I am able to believe whatever I want--I am encouraged to put my trust in God and seek the truth. It is a beautiful thing. Yesterday as I watched the fireworks explode across the sky in brilliant fires of purples, reds, and greens I was reminded again that this priceless gift, like so many others in my life, came at a great cost to men, women, and families I will never know. It came because good men did good things in hard situations. Because people stood by their principles when it was neither convenient nor logical to do so. It came because God needed this land to restore His gospel and He made the impossible happen so that could take place. It is true that we have our problems. Hungry men with cardboard signs, a national debt so big I can't even begin to conceptualize it, and lingering racism and hatred all testify of that. Still, I cannot think of any place I would rather live. This is, after all, the promised land.

Fireworks

The fire burning in the sky
that glitters in the smoky dusk
and blinks and cracks and fades away
calls out earnestly to us.

For once the fire, whistles, and booms
were not for entertainment plied
but snarling after men and boys
fields painted red and thousands died.

“And now,” they boom, “your turn has come
Freedom’s banner is yours to wave
that the world may know forevermore
here is still the home of the brave.”

“But how can I?” is my return,
“For I am raw and young and weak
what can I ever do for you?
Surely it isn’t me you seek!”

But loud and clear peals the report,
and deep down in my heart I hear
to fight for liberty and love
Is duty for all who now live here.

So in my struggling sapling state
I make a promise to the sky
I’m not brave like my fathers were,
but I too will fight till I die.

And when the blaze fades in the night
the cheering crowd is rained in dust
I smile at the sudden dark
and whisper, “in God will I trust.”