Homesick

It's calling my mom three times in two days,
talking about nothing, a river of words
hoping that she'll tell me it's going to be alright"
just one more time.

It's aching to be held while pushing their arms away,
mine tight against my chest so nothing falls out
wishing for someone to love me "as is"
no reasons needed.

It's smiling because I have to, no tears allowed
nodding in the right places, agreeable bobble-head
holding back my own "...self"
cause no one wants to hear it.

It's tired and lonely, a bittersweet tang
of goodness and warm summer camping trips
the who I was and who I am
in an uneasy alliance

Hats

I was recently called as the relief society president in my ward. This has been an adventure--a frightening and overwhelming and clarifying one that shows me my flaws and weaknesses in brilliant blinding clarity. Needless to say, it is not a role I am very good at just yet. Maybe after seventeen years (a term I am not willing or able to fill) I would figure it out a little, but as for now I am just going to have to let the Lord carry the brunt of everything. A friend suggested that I might do better if I had a "relief society president" hat. A personality I could put on to fulfill my relief society duties--one that is always happy and willing and accepting and righteous. In physical therapy school I had a professor who suggested the same thing as we became physical therapists--that we put on a hat that was confident, accepting, patient, wise, and never let anything or anyone get to them. I've had the same advice with regards to dating. Put on a hat--make it a cute one--one that is adorable and lovable and not too capable cause guys don't like that, but one that is still smart and perpetually cheerful, and unquestionably a good cook.

Here's the thing tho--I really don't have a hat head. I put one on and my frizzy hair flies everywhere and betrays me for exactly who I am--me.

I only know how to be me.Sure I am usually cheerful and happy but sometimes I have a bad day too--one where I can't smile at everybody. Sometimes I am tired, sometimes I am grumpy, sometimes I don't know what to say or how to say it, sometimes there are things I just don't want to do even if I end up doing them, sometimes I don't know how to help people the way I need to. Sometimes... more like always... I am awkward around guys--especially if they are guys I kind of like. Hat or no hat, I am just plain me. I don't know how to be anyone else and trying to change my personalities at the drop of a hat (bwahaha for cheesy puns) is not something I am comfortable with nor is it something I feel like I have the ability to do.

I think that I would rather improve my personality than my hat collection anyway.