I'm not exactly sure what I am suppose to be feeling, but this whole thing feels reminiscent of a toothache. At first the white hot knife stab that leaves you breathless and immobile, but now that the shock is gone it is more like the dull ache that is in the back of your mind and somehow tints the images you see and the way you see them. The one that keeps you up at night and prevents you from running your day-to-day life the way you use to.

I feel...distracted. Like I can't fix on any one idea, or devote myself fully to any single task. Even writing these few sentences has taken me almost twenty minutes.

People ask me if I am alright, and part of me wants to cry and laugh and say "of course I'm not alright! What a stupid question." but part of me feels numb and empty and part of me wants someone else to wrap their arms around me and tell me that I will be alright so I don't have to think about that answer myself.

Mostly though, I just feel...distracted. Distracted and numb mixed with a little bit hurt and guilt, a dash of pain and a pinch of disbelief and lots and lots of confusion. Kind of like a toothache. It just won't let me relax.

I am not alright, I am not myself, but I am not un-alright either. I just am. My soul feels sluggish. My body can take me through the motions and get me where I need to be, but I feel like I am removed and somehow not a part of any of it.

I had a terrible toothache once last year. I use to cry at night it hurt so bad and I couldn't eat hard foods or drink cold liquids, and I saw two dentists and no one knew what was wrong. It was terrible, but there was nothing I could do about it and eventually the pain just seeped away as slowly as it came. Maybe that is what will happen here too. Ever so slowly, the Novocaine will wear off and I will wake up and pay attention and be alright again. Until then, I just am.