I like to think of myself as a scientist. I love logic and neatly tied up ends and organized, non-nonsensical flow. That is exactly why I went into the medical field instead of politics or teaching--there are variables no matter what field you work in, but muscles and bones and nerves have variables that are more predictable and tractable than emotions or economic trends or whatever else everyone else deals with in their given professions.
Still, some things should not be governed by formulaic logic. A sunset, for example, has most of it's beauty because of it's uniqueness. The amount of dust in the air, the angle from which you see it, the cloud coverage, even the temperature in the air combine for a symphony of variables that create a breathtakingly original experience every single time. Try and analyze it too hard, fit it into a procedural formula full of logic and equations the magic is lost. Some things just have to happen without over-thinking them.
But what do you do when you find your emotions calculated out by carefully measured equations? Living by formula, if you will. What if you turn around and realize that you are smiling and dancing and laughing on cue instead of because you want to? How do I de-structure what feels like a contrived facade into something genuine and natural? and how much of it really is scripted and how much is natural? When I was a little girl I use to imagine that God must be unbelievably busy writing scripts for everyone, and wonder what was in my own script--what unexpected new characters, changes of scenery, or irony would present itself? Maybe living by script doesn't have to be a bad thing at least for now when my skills lack spontaneity and charm.
And really, I do like equations. They are clean. They are predictable and familiar. Combine x and y in a specific formulaic relationship and you will always be able to eventually come up with z. Always. I suppose, then, even the formula has an element of mystery and art--I will simply have to wait until I see what z really is to know for sure.
