Bite Sized Breaks

I'm happy to report that it is finally spring break. I've never actually had a spring break since high school so this whole concept is a little foreign for me. People asked what I was doing a week ago and I just kind of stared at them stupidly as finals were the week before and my brain power was significantly drained long before the break actually came. Now that it's here I'm still not exactly sure how to relax. I feel a little guilty when I'm not studying anything but I'm sure I will overcome. Unfortunately it has given me a lot of time to think and recent events have given me lots to think about and with finals over I have no more excuses not to think about the things I need to think about but would rather ignore forever. Wow. I don't think I could have possibly made that more confusing. : )

So I've never actually had a breakup--at least not an awkward painful one. I had a missionary dear Jane me from his mission and while that doesn't make the top 10 list for favorite experiences it really wasn't that bad. I kinda felt it coming, he had been gone for several months, I didn't see him again for over a year after that, and he really wasn't that big a part of my life at the time. It wasn't a normal breakup where I had to deal with seeing him all the time or talking to him or anything. Luckily (?) I haven't really dated anyone since then seriously so again I have totally avoided the whole breakup scene. Recently, however, I have been given a sampler platter version of the thing and I'm not at all sure I am interested in investing in the real deal. It is awkward! Not to mention painful and terribly inconvenient. To be use to talking to, laughing with, confiding in, and being around someone who now hates your guts or can't stand to be around you really really sucks. Plus the whole guilt thing gets smeared around like early morning newsprint on your fingers until it doesn't really matter whose is whose or what the true unbiased storyline originally was you just want to clean it off and throw the whole stupid thing out.

Not that it is really that bad--it isn't. We are all adults here so that helps and as I said this is just the sampler version like they pass out at Costco heated in the microwave and passed out in a bite-sized chunk on a little napkin. Still, I have learned a lot. Like change can be essential and good even when it feels disgusting, or miscommunication often really is the primary problem, or giggling and saying something stupid may not help the situation but it often keeps things in perspective and helps me. The biggest thing I've learned though, is that sometimes you just can't fix things. Sometimes you can't get rid of the problem or take back what was said or rework the situation or help someone. Sometimes you are powerless in the face of what bothers you and you just have to let it go and move on. That was the hardest I think. People are funny variables. Not like age or weather or vitamin supplements. They never act quite like they are suppose to on paper, and sometimes our best intentions are not enough and we are forced to declare the experiment a failure. Failure in the scientific world really isn't so bad because each time you fail you still learn something--what not to do, what isn't effective, possible ways to change the experiment and try again on a later date. Really, failure isn't so bad, and neither is a bite-sized break up.

What I Know

This one is a little ditty from the mission I found in my scriptures randomly. : ) Not great, but I figured I may as well put it in as not.

What I Know

I've never been where Jesus walked
or seen the things He's seen.
I've never been to Bethlehem
where came the King of kings.

I've never been to Egypt
where the child began to grow.
I've never gazed upon the Mount
though the sermon's true I know.

I've never seen the garden tomb
where they my Savior laid,
I've never seen Gethsemany
where for my soul he paid.

I've not met the revelator
but all his words I've read.
I know he loved the Son of God
and saw him raised from dead.

I've never fished with the Bread of Life,
I never saw Him eat,
I was never asked, "lovest thou me?"
but I try to feed His sheep.

I've never seen the nail prints.
I've never felt His side.
I've never bathed His feet with tears
though in my dreams I've tried.

I don't know where Bountiful is
but I know Jesus was there.
I know he taught the people then
and joined with them in prayer.

I've never been to Palmyra
where God spoke Joseph's name,
but I know that to the youthful lad
He and His Beloved came.

I've never been to Kirtland
the temple pulpit I've not seen.
But I read prophet's testimony
and its power fills my being.

I've never seen the Creater's face
though His hand is everywhere.
And though I've never heard His voice,
I've felt His words in prayer.

There were those who saw my God.
They watched Him as He prayed.
They saw His works, they heard Him teach,
and still they turned away.

The heart sees better than the eyes.
It hears the small and still.
So though I've not yet seen His smile,
I know someday I will.

Bookends

The left to right we live our lives in doesn’t seem quite fair
to one goes all the hope and bliss, the other gets despair.
“For I Nephi having been born of goodly parents” can tell
of all the greatness that will come before “I bid unto all farewell”.
And wailing blurbs of fat and bone enfolded with tender love
are but a distant memory when the same soul leaves to dwell above.

But left to right we always move with stops along the way,
always wondering when the right will come to win the day.
A friend is made and plans abound in the future’s open view;
but suddenly the ending comes, there is nothing we can do.
The day begins brilliant and clear unblemished by mistake
but whether the time proves sour or sweet, night will come and take.

And so we laugh and dance and trust and do all that we can.
For when the right claims her due part we cannot start again.
Our time comes with a limit. It’s borrowed from above.
But it’s the middle of left and right which I have grown to love.

Sweet Perspective

On the bus the other day I saw a little boy, maybe three or four and his mother. I should have been reading or studying something (which, by the way, is certainly what I should be doing now, but oh well) but I found myself totally captivated by the way his little hands seemed to find everything and touch it. Sometimes I wish I didn't know quite as much as I did about microbiology but that is another story. So he was touching everything and talking so fast that he could barely get his sentences out. His mother was young and clearly she was just coming home from a not-so-short day at work and she looked exhausted but was putting up a valiant effort to make her grunts correlate with his gasps for breath so that he knew she was trying to listen. You could tell that she loved him in spite of her lack of energy. Luckily, this was more than enough for him and he just kept chattering and reaching and touching and being just about the most adorable thing I had seen that day. Then I guess he ran out of things to touch because his two and a half foot form just wasn't cutting it for him. He stuck his little rear in the air and maneuvered up to stand on the seat and reach for the emergency window release and the stop alert cable and the face of the person behind them and everything else his increased stature allowed him access to. I was several seats back but I was able to see the exhaustion on his mother's face as she turned to face him and gently reseat him. His little back arched into a marvelous lordosis and he trumpeted a marvelous squawk of protest. She kept her hands firmly on his little legs even as his chubby fists balled in frustration and his squeals increased in pitch and volume. Obviously at this point I was not the only one watching the drama unfurl, and I'm willing to bet that I am also not the only one who felt simultaneously sorry for the mother and amused by the adorable little guy. Anyway, so the bus continued and the boy flatly refused to be amused by anything his desperate mother offered him--food, toys, her purse, even her phone. For him, the only possible way to find happiness was to play with what had been forbidden him and that was absolutely all that mattered.

Later, being the overlyanylitical sappy female that I am (a trait I both blame and thank my mother for) I was thinking about this scene and her thousands of sisters and I realized how much like the little four year old I am. Sometimes I wonder if it is only the fact that Heavenly Father is perfect that keeps him from rolling His eyes at me as I make huge deals over nothing, as I prattle on endlessly about the busy insignificances of my life, as I make the same mistakes over and over and over again, and most of all as I allow my perspective to be consumed by that which is currently out of my reach--probably for a reason.

As an eternally single LDS female I think I sometimes get fixated on marriage and dating. In my own defence, LDS culture, as wonderful as it is, encourages this practice and many around me are also fixated on this, but I still know better and shouldn't get caught up in all if it. Unfortunately, like the little boy on the bus, sometimes I resent the course set out in front of me and am totally focused on those things just out of my reach, determined that their absence in my life signifies some great character flaw on my part. This is of course ridiculous but there you go. The truth is that my life is rich and wonderful and happy and full of opportunities and greatness and blessings that I can't even come close to numbering when I try. I am not sick, I'm just single. This is not a malady or even a personality trait, it is only a situation that is possibly not permanent, but even if it is, it is still just a situation. I am also white, and poor, and in my 20s, and living in a basement. My room is messy. I don't have time to read as much as I'd like. I am going through a crazy kick where I can't get enough sweet potatoes. All situations and phases that I don't allow to define who I am, so why do I try to let my singledom encroach into my self esteem? Why do I focus so closely on the few things I don't have that I can't see all the things I do? All around me Heavenly Father is offering things for me to do and be and improve and focus on, how dumb to complain and tantrum because I currently don't have access to something I probably couldn't handle any way.

Happily for me the scriptures and church and the temple and life in general is so packed with perspective I can't dwell too long on the emergency release or abnormally large nose of the man behind me as long as I keep worship a regular part of my life. And my loving Father continues to offer me food, toys, and even a way to communicate with Him to keep me happy since that is, after all, what he wants for me. My life is so wonderful. How dare I lose perspective? I am so so happy!

Here I Raise my Ebenezer

I will not bore you here with a list of resolutions for the new year. First of all I usually write them in Korean so that I am the only one who knows if I keep them or not and second of all they are really not all that impressive or entertaining. I do however, have a stance that I have made and want to write down in English to help me keep it.

The ancient Israelites wandered in the wilderness for forty years due to their lack of faith and obedience. The entire doubting generation was denied access to the promised land and died instead in the wilderness. After crossing the River Jordan into Canaan Joshua received a command from the Lord to put up a pile of stones-an ebenezer, or sign to their children and children's children to stand through the generations showing that God blesses His children and as a sign that they would not go back to the disobedience of the wilderness. I think it is a beautiful image--stones--immovable and unchanging--serving as a reminder of the commitment and determination that has been made.

I am happy and blessed beyond what I have any right to wish for. My family is amazing, I have good friends, I love school, I always have enough to not starve, I love to learn, I have never been seriously ill or injured, I am learning to do something I love, I was born and raised to love the teachings of Jesus Christ, I know who I am and where I'm going and how I plan to get there. Honestly, what more could I ask for? All these blessings and yet I look back on my life and realize that there is one part of myself that I hate--a piece I long to shave off. So that is what I have done. I will leave it on the wilderness side of the river and set up my own ebenezer to remind me forever that I will not go back. I will not.

People's names will be safe with me. I will not make fun, laugh, or speak rudely of others. Each person has seeds of godhood. Each person around me is better than I am at many things. I have my own follies and plenty of faults--how can I hold others' mistakes against them? From this day on I will find the good in others and point it out to those around me. I will not speak poorly of or laugh at others behind their back or tease others in hurtful ways. Gossip will not be heard from my mouth. I know I will not be perfect at this, but it is my goal to learn to be that way.

Anecdotes that I hate

Before reading this, be warned; I am slightly grumpy, fairly homesick, moderately disenchanted, and probably PMSing. Luckily for me school starts again tomorrow so I'll have something to distract me from my own negativity (hopefully). If not, at least I will be too busy to write so you won't have to read about it.

#1--there is no place like home
Reason: This is true of course. There is no place like home. There are both good and bad parts of home and they can't be found anywhere else. However, introducing this into young impressionable mindes who are forced to be far from home is nothing short of pointless anguish. What is the point in trying to bloom where you are planted (another one I hate, but probably won't bother writing about. I don't do fauna) if you lost your only home when you left it? And what about when you have two homes--one with your parents and one with your future family. We are obviously assuming you are better at getting married than I am. At this point do you say, "there is no place like home...except for my other one," or "there are no two places quite like my homes". Wanna talk complicated, how bout those wierdos who have secret second lives with two seperate families. They have to say either; "there's no place like my home, cause my other one is totally different,"or "I plead the fifth cause I illegailly tried to create somewhere that wasn't quite like my home. Isn't that wierd?"

#2--Every cloud has a silver lining
Reason: This is not true. Usually when the nasty gross snow, rain, hail, hurricane, or tornado clouds come--the ones that do the real damage--never have a silver lining. It is more like a wall of death in the sky that is all grey with nothing else. The only time there is said silver lining is when the sun is breaking up the last of the storm or when a young child, no doubt confused by this strange saying, draws them that way. Metaphorically, this is also not true. Frequently bad events are just that--bad events without a happy ending. Failing a test for example is just bad. That's all. Getting a ticket or having your car breat down--also just bad. There is no "whew! What a relief to pay 120 dollars for accidently running that red light. At least I got there 1.7 seconds earlier." or anything like that. This one is decieving and wrong.

#3--If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Reason: This has a great sentiment, but unless life also gives you a little sugar your lemonade is going to be just as sour and miserable as the lemons on their own.

#4--Life goes on.
Reason: This is also true but completely unhelpful and does nothing for moving toward a solution. If this applies to someone they likely are in more need of a shoulder to cry on and some strong dark chocolate along with an all night talk through than this callous phrase. And sometimes, it's not true. Luckily I've never had anything this bad happen to me, but sometimes really bad things happen that change everything and while life itself may go on, it is forever altered.

#5--Girls, don't waste your emotions and tears on boys--they would wrather be with a hamburger than with you.
Reason: I aknowledge that this is not always true, but it is often true. This one comes from a good family friend and is not so much of a bad antidote as it is a depressing thought. However, the older I get, the more true it feels. I think I am looking in the wrong places for a hamburger lover, cause the ones I am looking for certainly don't seem as interested in me as they would be in a double pounder with extra cheese.

#6--The only way you can truly fail is to never try.
Reason: Absolutely false. Sometimes, you give all you have and you still fail. Better would be to say "you should always try but even if you fail remember that your worth is not based on your failures but on who you are." Unfortunately, this would not look quite as good embroidered onto a pillw, would it.

#7--No pain, no gain.
Reason: This objection is based on my future profession. When injured people think that, they suceed only in making their injuries worse.

I'm sure there are others, but that rant was about enough to cool me off. The moral of the story: cliches meant to cheer people up are just about as bad as ones that are meant to pick up girls. : )

Life as I know it now

So my first graduate school semester is over. Wild. It was different than I pictured it would be in both good and bad ways. I’m definitely not in Utah anymore, and again that is both good and bad. There are strange things I thought I wouldn’t miss that I do. Everyone living on top of each other for example. Strange how when your ward is all concentrated into the same two or three apartment buildings you are able to get together far more frequently. Also, it is bad cause there are really no secrets. You can’t really avoid letting the whole ward know you went on a date when everyone has a perfect window view of the awkward doorstep scene. Still, it was a fun thing too. I remember the time I was over at Jackie’s and I broke the door (in my defense, the knob was barely hanging on when I got there) and we laughed so loud Emma brought her home teachers over to make sure everything was alright and so they were able to fix it. Or hearing Alex dance upstairs and pounding the ceiling with our broomstick to remind her that we were downstairs trying to study. Walking to school without fear of being mugged was nice too.

Still, grad school, while different, is still top notch. I really truly passionately love going to school, especially when the entire curriculum is focused on the human body. People have asked me if this is harder than earning my bachelor degree, and I’m not entirely sure how to answer them. By the way, where does the word bachelor come from? Why bachelor for everyone? Why not bachelorette or married man or married woman depending on your status? Strange… Anywho, but as to being harder, I’m not sure that it is harder or easier—just different. It is certainly more intense, and not just because for the first time in the short history of my mortal existence I have a social life but because the workload itself is more intense. It also requires that I am much more self-motivated. Also, it is a lot more hands on and group-work and overall knowledge application and learning as opposed to just fact gathering, information storage, and studying to pass the test. As I said, good things.

There have been some great moments. The other day we pulled the brains out of our cadavers. That was literally one of the most amazing moments since coming here—almost spiritual for me. This lady that we have been working on died at 99 yet her muscles were toned. She was clearly in a lot of pain with osteoarthritis yet she had defined muscles in her legs. I find myself wondering what kind of person she was. Where she came from and how she reacted when someone woke her up too early. I wonder if she was a mother and if so if she ever felt overwhelmed. I wonder what she believed and if she had a short temper when she was hungry. Who was she? I can tell you where her muscles are, that she broke her femur several years ago but the bone started to heal over the plate they nailed to her thigh. I can tell you that she had bad varicose veins and that standing must have been excruciatingly painful for her right kneecap but I can’t tell you what her favorite food was or if she enjoyed long walks in the summer. I hope someday I get to meet her. I guess that’s why holding her brain—the organ that literally was her—her personality, her desires, her dreams, her passions, her thoughts, her reactions, her life really—was so absolutely amazing for me.

Another fun day was the first dinner we had with our class alone. Meeting everyone helped me realize some important things. First, I am much braver than I use to be. I am more confident, less timid (not the same thing), and more friendly. I have wanted my whole life to be more like I have become. What a cool blessing! It kind of came all the sudden, but I’m sure it’s a combination of many different things. I’m just glad it has finally come. Second, my class is chuck full of great people. Fun, amusing, accepting, and eager, everyone has been great. Third, while I am very far from home, I am going to be fine. I am an unabashed home body as I have the world’s most amazing family, but I have learned better than ever before to stand a bit on my own. Another big blessing. Along with that came the most important realization—I am going to be fine. Everything is going to work out just the way it should if I just stay close to God and follow him as I should. Everything is going to be great.
The rest of the greatness of grad school is wrapped up in tiny moment packages I could never number and don’t really add up to anything but make it what it is. Michael walking in with the pronouncement that he either needed a girlfriend or a puppy cause he wanted to cuddle something. Bryce—the vociferous anti-Texan—slipping and saying ya’ll. Emily blushing on cue when we took her sock of to pretend to be daintily horrified. Mike’s picture hanging on the blackboard. Just amazingness concentrated into a thousand tiny minutes. I am so happy to be here.