Tony Horton makes me cry... I hate him, but I love him

In life, there are some things you do just because they are good for you. Eating beets, washing behind your ears, making your bed, and balancing your checkbook are just examples of this phenomenon. For me, exercise falls in this category. I like feeling strong--being able to run up a few flights of stairs without being winded, able to carry groceries and boxes, able to work all day as walking, standing, pushing and lifting people back to health and not be exhausted at the end of the day. I also enjoy the feeling at the end of a workout, like I finished something hard and now it's out of the way. Mostly though, I feel like I have to work out because I tell people every day to stay in shape and exercise, so if I don't do it too then I feel guilty. All that to say, working out is not on my list of things-to-do-for-fun or even things-to-occupy-myself-with-when-I'm-bored.

This summer me and my sister have been trying to do P90X; an exercise program designed to either kill you or make you really strong after 13 weeks of difficult daily workouts that last between 60 and 90 minutes each. Disgusting, crazy, painful, and stupid can all be used to describe this behavior, but still we persist. I suppose if you piled up all the time people spend making their beds (not necessarily me, as my time may not add up to much) that may be seen as overboard too, right? Bottom line is that it is hard and difficult. We are sore every day after the previous day's work out, and it seems like we switch daily which of us has to work to diligently persuade the other to work out that day. Still, we can't stop because we've already put so much time and effort into what we've dune thus far that it seems wasteful at this point to not just go ahead and finish the program to see if at the end we are indeed either dead or fit. We are on week 6 and the jury is still out on which  if either state is the case.

Perhaps the worst part of the workout, however, is Tony Horton--the man who runs each workout.  He is super muscular (perhaps proving that bronze and brains don't always go together?) and he is cheerful and consistent, but somehow listening to him every day trying to be funny with the same jokes over and over again is more than a little exhausting. The following are all actual quotes from the workout videos.

"Don’t stop breathin’. You stop, you die." wonderful advice, really. "Tip of the day-don’t smash your face." again with the helpful advice. "Like a pterodactyl backing out of trouble. Kah!" this one, wouldn't be so bad if he didn't use it on several workouts, which means by the end of the 13 weeks you have  heard it over 30 times. "Go ahead and laugh, these are excellent jokes." His quote, not mine. "He makes Gumbie look like the Tin Man!" This one is during a stretch and is actually a little bit funny. "Don’t bite your toes, Aarg. I recommend foot spray." This is during a cobbler stretch, and yes, he actually says that. “Let the weight of your head do the work. Mine weighs 600 lbs; there’s nothing in it." Truer words, friend. Truer words. “Lets make it x like… not exlax thats somethin different” I'm telling you, you can't make this stuff up.

I could go on, but hopefully you get the picture. Perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box. Still, he is cheerful and works hard. That being said, sometimes after walking around observing and commenting on everyone sweating their faces off he likes to jump in at the very end and brag about his superior form and speed, sometimes even making fun of his less-effective work out buddies. This wins no love from me, as my form and speed definitely leaves much to be desired, even compared to the less-than-perfect participants behind the self-proclaimed perfectionist.

I wish I could go on, but the dreaded Tony time has come again and today it's my turn to encourage my sister that yes, we do want to exercise. Bottom line, I had better look awesome in seven weeks or I will be left to bemoan the loss of perfectly healthy brain cells.