Easter

This year I prepared for Easter by reading about the last days of Savior’s life as close to the corresponding days as I could figure—something I hadn’t done before. It turned out to be an extremely spiritual experience. I felt closer to Him than I have in the past, not just because the season is so focused on Him but because I felt like I spent more time with Him as He prepared for His destiny. I felt a little bit of guilt as He asked His disciples if they couldn’t wait up for Him. How many of His messages and requests have I inadvertently ignored? How many times has He had to give me the same instruction and I didn’t follow it? How many times have my actions told Him and others that I denied knowing Him like Peter did? I felt His love as He washed His disciples’ feet and told them to love and serve one another. I felt His love for Mary as He spoke her name—how must she have felt?

More than anything though, studying the atonement this way made it more significant. I often wonder what I was doing as a Spirit while the atonement was taking place. I’ve always pictured the whole hosts of heaven watching in overwhelming gratitude, helplessness and apprehension as that the most significant of all events unfolded. I wonder if I felt guilt for the sins I hadn’t even committed yet as I watched my beloved Savior’s pain as he paid for them. He is my Savior. Christ suffered all for me and my family and everyone I will ever meet. His love is perfect and endless, His character bright and unvarnished. He is the ultimate example in every aspect. His love for me is something I will never be able to earn; His love for others is something I will never be able to perfectly emulate.

How grateful I am for my testimony of Him that forms my actions, beliefs, dreams, and behaviors. If there is anything good about me at all, it can all be tied back to Him and His gospel. He loves me. This is something I still can’t really wrap my head around—that a being such as He could love someone like me, but I know He does because I feel it. I feel it when I read His words, when I hold a child, when I admire His creations, when I try and follow His words. And I felt it 2 weeks ago on the anniversary of His triumph over death and sin.