I'm happy to report that it is finally spring break. I've never actually had a spring break since high school so this whole concept is a little foreign for me. People asked what I was doing a week ago and I just kind of stared at them stupidly as finals were the week before and my brain power was significantly drained long before the break actually came. Now that it's here I'm still not exactly sure how to relax. I feel a little guilty when I'm not studying anything but I'm sure I will overcome. Unfortunately it has given me a lot of time to think and recent events have given me lots to think about and with finals over I have no more excuses not to think about the things I need to think about but would rather ignore forever. Wow. I don't think I could have possibly made that more confusing. : )
So I've never actually had a breakup--at least not an awkward painful one. I had a missionary dear Jane me from his mission and while that doesn't make the top 10 list for favorite experiences it really wasn't that bad. I kinda felt it coming, he had been gone for several months, I didn't see him again for over a year after that, and he really wasn't that big a part of my life at the time. It wasn't a normal breakup where I had to deal with seeing him all the time or talking to him or anything. Luckily (?) I haven't really dated anyone since then seriously so again I have totally avoided the whole breakup scene. Recently, however, I have been given a sampler platter version of the thing and I'm not at all sure I am interested in investing in the real deal. It is awkward! Not to mention painful and terribly inconvenient. To be use to talking to, laughing with, confiding in, and being around someone who now hates your guts or can't stand to be around you really really sucks. Plus the whole guilt thing gets smeared around like early morning newsprint on your fingers until it doesn't really matter whose is whose or what the true unbiased storyline originally was you just want to clean it off and throw the whole stupid thing out.
Not that it is really that bad--it isn't. We are all adults here so that helps and as I said this is just the sampler version like they pass out at Costco heated in the microwave and passed out in a bite-sized chunk on a little napkin. Still, I have learned a lot. Like change can be essential and good even when it feels disgusting, or miscommunication often really is the primary problem, or giggling and saying something stupid may not help the situation but it often keeps things in perspective and helps me. The biggest thing I've learned though, is that sometimes you just can't fix things. Sometimes you can't get rid of the problem or take back what was said or rework the situation or help someone. Sometimes you are powerless in the face of what bothers you and you just have to let it go and move on. That was the hardest I think. People are funny variables. Not like age or weather or vitamin supplements. They never act quite like they are suppose to on paper, and sometimes our best intentions are not enough and we are forced to declare the experiment a failure. Failure in the scientific world really isn't so bad because each time you fail you still learn something--what not to do, what isn't effective, possible ways to change the experiment and try again on a later date. Really, failure isn't so bad, and neither is a bite-sized break up.
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