Brunch with my Demon

I spoke with my demon today—the one who has haunted my thoughts and dampened my spirits lately. We didn’t meet in battle, nor did I face him with courage and strength determined to rid myself of him forever; it was more of a cautious get-to-know-you over brunch situation. I don’t think I had ever looked at him before, at least not like this without the emotional baggage or stereotypical mask I had always shrouded him in. Like the monster that I was sure infected my third dresser drawer when I was a little girl, I had allowed my fear to paint my unseen enemy with sharp angry features without even trying to discover for myself what he was really like. I found to my intense surprise he was polite, gentle, and even pleasant in a languid colorless sort of way. He laughed at my reaction—a shallow but almost musical tenor sound—and told me that my poorly hidden surprise was common and assured me it didn’t offend him. He was a little somber and much too formal, but once I got use to his stuffy manners I was able to see the ancient wisdom hidden in his gloomy eyes.

At the conversation was forced and awkward. After all, how does anyone rationally consider the future they have feared and dreaded most of their life? But necessity and time lubricated the situation effectively, and eventually we were able to address our differences head-on. I told him that he was my last preference, warned him that if I was forced to accept him as my future companion it was because I was forced to set my dreams aside and had no other option. I asked him how I could face such a prospect cheerfully and after a bit of contemplation he pointed out that he wasn’t my very last choice or I would have settled on something different a long time ago. Then he painted a very different picture of what my future would look like if I was forced to spend it with him—one colored by choice and opportunity instead of the failure and emptiness I had always stained it with. For every dream delayed there was a chance to create and pursue a new dream. He didn’t lie to me; no promises that he could create a future better than the one I want for myself, and while he never said so straight out we both knew no matter how pleasant the future he described might be it would never completely fill the spaces in my soul where my dreams belonged. Instead he showed me the emptiness I feared was really a sketchbook open to all kinds of possibilities for growth, service, learning, and happiness. Perhaps not something to be embraced, but not something to be dreaded either.

Then he showed me my present, in its vivacious reality. No matter what happens in my happily ever after, no matter who does nor does not show up, I can never consider myself unlovable when I remember the feeling of six little arms enfolding me as I tucked them into bed. The arms and women attached to them are nearly grown now, but the warmth and love are still there, love for me—more real than you will find in any fairytale. I have no need to fear a dull future when I reflect on the adventures I embarked on with my other two siblings. How can I think I am unwanted or uncared for when I remember the look in Daddy’s face when he tells me he and mom are proud of me? My demon pointed out the love I feel for them and for dozens of other friends who have carried me to where I am and with a thin smile taught me that I need never doubt my ability to love and care for others.

There were tears of course. Even the thought of sacrificing my beautiful aspirations on the altar of reality and revamping the future of my dreams caused a pain so intense my frail brunch-mate wasn’t able to comfort me for a long time, but eventually there was comfort. After all, he pointed out; painting new dreams doesn’t necessitate my killing the ones I already have. And so I made peace with the demon who has haunted my failures for the last six years. We are not friends yet, but I think we could be, someday, if necessity required it. Either way, I already have more love and vitality in my life than I deserve, and no matter what my future holds, I’m ready to go out and meet it.

I was in the Denver airport yesterday on my way back home to Texas and there was a bird flying around in the airport. It was probably scared silly but it just kept flying around, doing what it knew how to do. I wasn't able to watch it for an exceptionally long time but I'd like to think eventually it got out alright. Meanwhile it was fun to see-inspirational almost to watch a creature of nature trapped and alone still fighting to get free in spite of fear and difficulty. I suppose he remembered the sky. I suppose that on some level he knew who he was and what he was meant to do. Clearly he remembered he was meant to fly. I wish I was better about that. I get so embroiled in my tangled fears of the future I forget not only what I'm meant to become but the strengths and blessings I already have. I may not rule the sky but I am a happy kid. I've always been good at that. I need to be better about not forgetting who I am and what my real purpose is. When I landed there was another bird--a one legged raven hopping around looking for scraps I think. The cool part was that the bird wasn't hampered by what it lacked but instead made it work with what it had. This too is a lesson I can learn. I've always wondered what it would be like to be a bird. Seeing two face the same problems I do (or at least being able to paint their problems with the same colors I paint my own with) provided me with some interesting perspective. Haha I may be as nerdy as I ever was, but it was a good wake up call all the same.

Thanksgiving again

Yet another year. I have grown to love this part of the holidays. The plain truth is that I have so very much to be grateful for that when I sit down and actually catalog it out I am always amazed. This year I went with a friend to his house. It is always better to be with a family, and this family was a lot of fun. We played games, I watch the Dallas Cowboys loose again, I made a few new friends, and ate just enough to be almost stuffed. All in all a great year. It was probably the first and last Thanksgiving I will spend here, so I'm glad it was good. After dinner we played games with just his family and that was fun too. Then I amazed myself with the ability to drive up the south hill without killing anyone, injuring myself, or wrecking my car. A success all around. And now, for the list, as always, in absolutely no order at all--just what comes to my head.

1- The gospel
2- The atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ which makes everything possible and life worth living
3- my family, even when they are far away
4- Dark chocolate raisinettes, a favorite treat
5- Good friends who keep me happy and optimistic
6- hope for the life of my dreams
7- the opportunity to get an education in a field I love
8- the human body--God did such an amazing job!
9- blue jeans--I love love love wearing them
10-being able to run a marathon last summer
11-my new house. It is so fun!
12-the temple
13-the prophet
14-the New Testament--I've spent a lot of time studying it recently and it has some amazing truths
15-laughing
16-my research job that makes it so I don't have to donate plasma
17-the color purple
18-the Book of Mormon
19-the way my parents brought me up--the things they taught me in word, example, and behavior
20-agency
21-that I served a mission in Korea
22-my curly hair that makes it so I don't have to spend very long fixing it in the mornings
23-automatic washing machines. I hate handwashing things!
24-hot chocolate for cold weather
25-boots for snow
26-heaters for the winter, AC for the summer
27-that I am from Texas--one of the greatest places on the planet
28-chocolate--especially brownies
29-my computer
30-Juliet
31-the piano
32-the guitar
33-good music
34-mediocre music
35-pizza
36-the Elders Quorum who helped us move our house in almost no time at all
37-Regional activities and dances--I love those guys!
38-three square meals a day. I hate going hungry!
39-enough to always get by plus plenty extra
40-four of the most amazing sisters anyone could ever ask for. More like permanent best friends.
41-A little brother doing an amazing job on his mission. I love that guy!
42-Tex. He's actually pretty cool for a dog.
43-lotion
44-Hippo who I still cuddle with to go to sleep.
45-fuzzy socks
46-amazing roommates
47-an uber fun class
48-the ability to choose optimism
49-the way my face feels when I smile super big
50-the way Christmas lights glow under a slight snow covering
51-the internet. Who ever would have predicted this kind of technology?
52-Living in America--land of the free
53-the ability to see, speak, learn, grow, taste, smell, feel, and be
54-John Mayer. His voice makes me melt a little bit
55-the doctrine of eternal families
56-forgiveness that comes with the atonement
57-standards that keep me out of trouble
58-church leaders who support and look out for me
59-beef. Sorry cows, but it's true.
60-cold cereal-staple of the collegiate diet
61-Books for reading--especially the Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society!
62-numbers and math and things that make sense
63-honest, good, kind people that I meet all the time
64-colors. Wouldn't the world be boring in black and white?
65-my testimony and the strength it gives me
66-the hymns of the church
67-inspiration, even when I don't understand it
68-the no that I wish was a yes, even if I am a little bitter over it still
69-my patriarchal blessing, even the parts I don't understand yet
70-the priesthood in my life
71-raisins. In everything. Always.
72-phones for calling people, especially my family.
73-words. I love them. Especially Korean ones.
74-HIMYM
75-prayer. It really is amazing how every time I really pray I can feel the things I need to feel for whatever is going on. Our God truly is a great God.

So I guess that'll do it for this year. I have no idea why I am blessed so. Nothing I did, I can ensure you. I am a happy girl. Most of my dreams are slowly taking form, and that is an especially exciting thing. The problems in life tend to work themselves out and the good things tend to stay. I am so grateful for the abundant blessings--more than I could ever name--and the plethora of opportunities I have to enjoy them. What an amazing world this is!

Crying

The itching in the corner that makes your eyeball sting
the pinching just behind your nose that crying seems to bring.

You give a soggy smile, snot congealing on your face
glad that no one is around to witness your disgrace

And I know you know it’s dumb; this private water show.
Salty solutions flow away and tears make problems grow.

But now and then a good hard cry can help you sleep at night.
Though flooding all your makeup off is not a pretty sight.

So hold on till you’re alone then untie your dread and fears.
The world may shine out clear tomorrow if you wash tonight with tears.

Just a little blurb--mostly a procrastination tactic to delay a little longer the studying I should be doing. Haha I'm nothing if not predictable. I have gained a bit of a new appreciation for VERY OCCASIONAL crying though of late, though that's bound to disappear soon.

A Psalm of Life

This is not one that I could ever take credit for writing. It is in fact, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's and it is beyond beautiful.

What the heart of the young man said to the psalmist:

Tell me not in mournful numbers
life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers
and things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art--to dust returnest"
was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment and not sorrow,
is our destined end or way;
But to act that each tomorrow
finds us farther than today.

Art is long and time is fleeting,
and our hearts, though stout and brave,
still, like muffled dreams are beating
funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
in the bivouac of life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no future however pleasant!
Let the dead past bury its dead!
Act! Act in the living present!
Heart within and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
we can make our lives sublime,
and departing, leave behind us
footprints in the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
sailing o'er lives solemn main,
a forlorn, and a shipwrecked brother,
seeing shall take heart again.

Let us then, be up and doing,
with a heart for any fate;
still achieving, still pursuing,
learn to labor and to wait.

Wowsers, if that's not beautiful I don't know what is. Life isn't always easy or fair or simple or fun, but the point of life is to improve every day--to DO SOMETHING, to step forward and be the person I always dreamed I could be. Sometimes I feel like a spectator in my own life; someone watching by as I react to what happens around me. No more, world. Here I come--soul unfettered at last. Time for the big guns. I'm sick of waiting for perfect circumstances to announce themselves and ask me to accompany them. It is time for me to make the circumstances ideal and see how the darts fly. Well maybe not darts, maybe more like potato chips or birds or something else soft that doesn't have the tendency to injure people when wielded by someone with no semblance of control or dexterity. Plastic dartboard here I come!

Hope can be such a turncoat. Luckily chocolate is a much steadier friend. : )

Curly Hair

First of all, I love my hair. I love that I can hop out of the shower (or drag myself out of the shower, depending on how early I have to get up), stick some goup in it, give it a quick shake and be ready for the day. Done and done. Thirty eight seconds is an acceptable time for hair styling, thank you very much. Granted, the mousy washed out not quite brown color I'm not totally crazy about, but give me a beauty school and I can lighten it up without a huge hit to my bank account and I'm a happy kid again. Hair is great, especially when you don't have to worry about it. I do feel it my civic duty, however, to warn any curly headed girls out there that when they say naturally curly hair needs length to keep it tame, they aren't joking. Short curly hair quickly turns into a tangled bush perched atop your head. Goup, spray, crimp, and moose do very little to tame the wild look and soon you are left with what one can only call a mess on top of your head. The nice thing about hair, of course, is that it grows even when the length is bad. Unfortunately for curly haired individuals, the growth is stunted by the fact that it has to grow horizontally in constricting circles as it grows down, however grow it shall.

There are of course advantages to the wild tresses exploding out of your scalp. Trying to hide a zit on the side of your face, for instance, is much easier when one has a haze of curls blocking the view. It is also an exciting look, guaranteed to attract attention if that is your thing. People may go so far as to stare at you wondering, "did she really do that on purpose? Does she know how big her head looks with that style?" and you can smile to yourself knowing you are the subject of curiosity and mild disbelief. It's also useful for hiding things in. Not quite as firm as a fro but should you need to stick an extra pencil or even a small cookie somewhere for later, thick, tangled curly messes make great storage centers as well.

All the same, if I had to do it again I think I would keep the length. Just saying is all.